On most days, I am Rip van Winkle crushed by ambition. I would relax, let go and be a perfect bum if it weren't for the constant, niggling need to at least try and be all I want to be...kinder, more generous, a little more wicked perhaps. Mathematical linguist. Someone who knows what that term means. I want to be able to open hearts and minds with a tune, as I dance through currents of words and string them together to form magnificent water garlands of soul, expression and poetry. The waking dream of a genius poet of ocean eyes and honest countenance. Ocean eyes that are at once gorged on and starved for depth. I want to be omniscient, sensually peaked, immortal. It's no wonder that I usually disappoint myself.
But sometimes, almost like a reward for wanting, just wanting, to be more, I feel happy like a little pigtailed princess. Alive, awash with rhymeless glee, askamper by the absence of guilt. Paranoia? What means that? Compulsion? Tchah and pfoo!
It isn't the hearty, chest-inflated satisfaction of righteous indignation or the smirksome, gloatful leer of cynicism. It isn't that perverse contentment claimed by self-proclaimed martyrs. Nor does it spring from being loved, liked or admired. And It's not that warm feeling. It's a feeling of certainty. A point when time, space and consciousness are all in phase.
It's most definitely not a return to innocence. That would just be two steps back. The Grand Trunk of life is an uphill one-way. And sometimes you have the good sense to get out of that damn box. Walk, run, drown in the sunset, hang by your tail off a branch, get high on spirals of warm air. So you don't remember if you were smiling or bawling your guts out. So when the clinical grip of thought yanks you back to caution and habituality, you'll know. When your little gift of precious years runs out, and you ask yourself...did you feel it? You'll know you did. And until you master this feeling so that it comes as thoughtlessly as breath, the rest of the shebang - career, success, people, beauty, knowledge, winning, losing, acquiring - is just incidental.
I hope to understand. I hope to lose my mind.
3 comments:
the idea that innocence is just 2 steps behind is quite a thought. i love the seocnd para.. 'rhymless glee' has a sound to the words.
"Mathematical linguist. Someone who knows what that term means. " I like :) This is why we is friends.
Nandu you have such a strong grip on the English Language it awes me and shames me all at once! I love your style of writing. Very abstract, at the same time has the power to launch you into splits of laughter.. much like my cooking. Love!
Shalini! You is too kind :) You know I'm going to gnaw on this compliment for the rest of the day, right? Like a very happy puppy with favorite chew-toy.
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